I didn't attend my college graduation. Since I was on the 4.75-year plan, my final semesters boiled down to filling some requirements (damn, you dumb remedial math!) and having my diploma mailed to me, about four months after I began my entry-level job.
Also, it was from this university, so, really, with 15,000 students in the class of 1986 (Ok, '87), did anyone miss me?
But I like a graduation speech as much as the next writer, so I present to you Snarkshelf's Graduation Speech If She Were Ever a Speaker: What My 46-year-Old Self Would Tell My 22-Year-Old Self." I am available for the class of 2012. Just saying.
Dear Class of 2011:
As you prepare to enter the real world, take this advice:
1. In the real world, there is no Spring Break.
2. Those 10 besties you are sitting next to right now? In 20 years, one will still be your confidante. You will know all about her boyfriends and her husband, the miscarriage and money, the good times and bad. The other nine? You will have forgotten their names.
3. Don't wear flip flops to work. Ever.
4. It is never a good idea to date your boss.
5. Your first job will suck. Don't let it kill your dreams. The next one will be much better.
6. Don't look back at pictures from this era and think you looked fat. At 22, it is hard to take a bad picture. Unless of course you really are fat. Then you should probably work on that.
7. Things you can wear now but I will hunt you down and slap you if you try this after 32: tube tops, jeggings, dresses that stop at mid-thigh, tie dye.
8. That tattoo is a mistake. Please listen to me.
9. You are now old enough to stop being embarrassed by your parents and start learning from them.
10. In 20 years, your teenagers will be embarrassed by you. Karma.
11. By now you should learn to manage money and cook five things.
12. If you have to move back into your parents house for a while, you should still learn to manage money and cook five things.
13. Your first apartment will have an ugly couch, and maybe no air conditioning.
14. On the first 60-degree day next spring, you will want to put on shorts and head down to the quad to play Frisbee. Your boss will not think that is OK.
15. There is a good chance you will have a starter marriage.
16. So there are do-overs! Good to know.
17. Your mother was right, put on a little lipstick.
18. You should move once or twice to a strange city. You will learn from it, and, if you play it right, you could have a new identity.
19. That nose ring is gonna work against you unless you want to be a 30-year-old barista or vet tech.
20. At work, whether it is (for now) waiting tables or on Wall Street, always make eye contact and never say "you guys."
What's your best advice for the Class of 2011?
