What's in a (Re)name?

Did you see that the corn industry is trying to change the name of high-fructose corn syrup to the more consumer-friendly corn sugar? Because sugar is our friend! Though the dental industry and the obesity lobby may beg to differ.

I remember when prunes got remonikered into "dried plums." Brilliant. And since I really wish I were a combination of Don Draper and the smoking lobby dude in "Thank You For Smoking," I have my own list of distasteful stuff we should rename, not to mention fancy-schmany names for programs about which we should just tell the truth.

I bring you:

Old: Lice. New: Hair Petz (kids can collect 'em, name 'em. It will be a status symbol rather than an embarrassing scourge that gets the kids kicked out of school).

Old: Cellulite. New: Thigh wisdom.

Old: Specialty Wine Retailers Association. New: Champagne Society!

Old: The Petroleum Institute. New: Super Elastic Plastic Plastic Fun Team (with more water bottles and richer oil companies).

Old: American Gastrointestinal Association. New: The Tummy Doctors.

Old: Middle Age Spread. New: Bilateral muffin top.

Old: Breast implants. New: Boobs of which you will be jealous.

Old: Virginia ABC Store. New: Vodka stand.

Old: STDs. New: Badges of sexual experience.

Old: Gifted and Talented program (GT). New: extraordinarily naggy parents and their above-average children (EN-PAAC) (I kid because I love).

Old: Family Research Council. New: The (there better be no gays in my) family (of daughters who for sure are virgins at 22) council.

Old: National Association for Gun Rights. New: The Family Gun Lockers Association.